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I am waiting on some videos to get done uploading. I figured now is a good a time as any to make a blog post. My house  is quiet, all  my work is done for the day. I  am settling down listening to some  music and thinking about what it is I need to get done for tomorrow. 

I received a message tonight from a follower thanking me for getting them through the death of their father. That has resonated with me  all night. I was eating dinner and editing thinking about how a 60 second video I post has helped someone through one of the hardest things someone will ever have to go through.  Its humbling to say the very least.  I get  many messages  along  those same lines, almost hourly. The comments on my "When  tomorrow starts without me." edit, I have cried  with   just about all of the people that have commented on that video. When that video started going  viral and really started gaining traction, it was getting like 3 comments a minute each one more heartbreaking than the next. I  actually stepped away from  posting because every time  I would check the  comments I was so terribly heartbroken for each one. 

I obviously  did come back  after some  time but that was hard, it is when I realized that the things I post matter, that people really do pay attention and it resonates with  them.  So I decided  right then   and there that I want my teeny tiny corner of the internet to be positive and to help others.  

I know this post sounds like  I  am boasting like "Oh  look at me I am so helpful" I truly hope it is not coming out like that  as it is not my intention. 

I just want to be someone that can be strong for others when they need it. I didn't really have a lot of strong people that I could turn to in certain situations and I know how lonely that can be. So I want my community to know that I am here, no matter what. 

   

Good night to whom ever may read this, even if no one does. It is cathartic to me to have a place to vent, and get things off my mind. I am not your typical tiktoker I don't really get to interact with the community. I put my passion into my edits, so even though I am there replying to all my dm's, reading ever single comment and replying to them when I can. I am just in the background watching all of this go on. I honestly feel like so many of my subs think that I am just some bot that runs my account. I spend hours, upon hours on my Tiktok. So for the very few of my followers that get curious click on my blog and actually read it. I appreciate every single second of your precious time. Thank you. 

Namaste'

Who is Anxietyology?

 Welcome to my little corner of the internet. I decided to start a blog, because I want my followers to get to know me as a person. I know on my TikTok you only see edited videos. You rarely see me. I did this on purpose, not because I am camera shy but because the videos I post are to help people. I feel like me jumping in front of the camera giving a daily update takes away from that.

That being said, I decided to embark on this journey just about 9 months ago. My husband took 2 major heart attacks at a very young age and died 3 times. They were able to bring him back each time Thankfully but the emotional toll that took on me was something no one could  be prepared for. I was and still am broken. 

After his being in a coma for a month and a half  and a  very long  hospital and rehabilitation stay. I was super busy taking care of him. My world had been rocked and I became him his full time caretaker. Back and forth between  doctors, in home nurses, and  helping   him  complete the simplest of  tasks, I didn't have time to think. 

I would like to say that he has made  a full recovery is back to work and healthier than ever. I on the other hand, I am a shattered mess. I replay the phone call I got from the hospital the first time he passed and them telling me they were able to bring him back but I needed to get to the hospital right away. I replay the moments I stood over him when he was in a coma begging him not to leave me, I replay the moment in my head when the doctors told me I need to prepare my children that he might not make it. I replay the look on their face when I told them every single moment of every single day. 

I am seeking help for those of you that have even made it this far. I am medicated and I do have someone to talk to that is helping me get through this, but the truth  is no matter how much you talk getting those sort of images out of your mind is something that can not just be talked away. 

I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Obsessive compulsive thought disorder  when I was 19 years old. I am 42 now. I have struggled and dealt with this sort of thing every single day non stop. 

When my husband went back to work I decided its time, It's time for me to make a change. I am tired of the negative, the toxic, the emotion vampirical that robs me of my joy. So  I started making subtle changes. 

I found myself doing a lot of soul searching. Which is I guess what this all is for me. I receive a ton of messages from my followers thanking me for helping them, and I have even spent many of nights talking to those that just needed someone to listen. I don't think I can even express in words how much each individual follower of mine means to me. I don't create videos because I want more followers or to attract larger numbers. I create videos for my followers for them. 

At the time of this blog post I have 100.2k followers. To me that means I have reached out to a 100.2k people and resonated with them made a connection in one way or another with them, even if was just for 60 seconds, and that is something so special to me. 

I hope that the few of you if any that take the time to read these posts, realize that you are not just a number to me, you are special and appreciated the moments you spend with me are valued.